I had a plan for how I was going to run this blog and I was so certain I would do it! Then something unexpected happened and it disrupted a lot in my life. I don’t know how to talk about it at all, but it’s… interesting!
Updates… none really. Nothing relevant at least. I don’t do that much. Well, others would say I do a lot, but I don’t feel like I do that much. (Imposter’s syndrome. I do a lot.) I’ll give any updates I have! There’s nothing interesting in it though, or maybe I’m just putting myself down. Who knows?
I failed my 25 Soft challenge because of the Recent Happenings. It’s not the end of the world, so I’ll restart it when I think I’m able to hold onto it and actually carry through! I got sick from attempting to do part of what I wanted to do because I overworked myself (bad habit!) and it held me back enough that I gave up. I’m still sick… (shh!) but I’m almost over it. Mostly. As over it as I realistically can be, chronic illness and that taken into account. Disability affects my life in a big way, and is part of why I stayed at home bedrotting for so long. I wanted to break out of the pattern I stuck myself in, and I figured 25 Soft was the way to do that. I think for me, gradual change is better than a new challenge to try stick to. They’re not really motivating after a while, so I quit them. Maybe if I do future challenges, I’ll do disability-friendly week long challenges? I think that could be interesting, especially since a lot of the people I see on Youtube doing health and fitness related challenges are typically able-bodied and are already physically strong. One thing I famously am not. It’s something I laugh at, but realistically… not that funny. It’s hard, and I struggle a lot. I wish I could word my struggles as eloquently as I do other things, but I guess shame and my inability to be vulnerable are what’s holding me back. I might come back to make a full post on this another time, but I promise I’m working on it!
Guitar! I love my guitar! I have been working hard! I really love music. One day I’ll share one of my recordings on here, but at the moment everything is something I think I could work with. I’ll only drop rejects on here. Would anyone be interested in me talking about different guitars? Maybe! I own a. Epiphone Les Paul now! It’s amazing and it’s perfect for everything I like to play. Great for anything fingerstyle, great for smooth, bossa-style stuff, it’s just an all-around great guitar. I think it’s beautiful. If only it could stay in tune… and wasn’t so heavy… but I knew all this before I bought it so it doesn’t bother me too much. I do enjoy tuning my guitars, so I just get to do it more. I’ve been learning neo-soul because I love melodic guitar playing. I don’t know anything about neo-soul as a genre, but the guitar appeals to me. Math rock, jazz, blues, anything along these lines is fun. I’m learning these more as techniques, not because I want to join a band and make this kind of music. I enjoy melodic playing, and I wish it was more mainstream. I feel like a lot of guitar in mainstream is simple and easy to learn, which means I learn songs fast and I get bored. I don’t want to be bored, I want to explore and experiment! I think with the range of guitars I have and the different sounds I can get, I can accomplish my goal. Maybe I will join a band, maybe I’ll be a soloist, maybe guitar will never be more than a hobby. I don’t know yet. Maybe I can do it?
Processing my emotions has been another thing I’ve had to learn to do. I get easily overwhelmed. There’s a lot that’s happened between me and my friends in the RL… and it’s exhausting to deal with. I think as human beings we don’t like to admit things that happen affect us, even though they do. Especially when it’s not something we’re directly involved in. These things do affect us in one way or the other, and the sooner we realise it the better. Repressing and repressing and ignoring things does nothing to actually make it go away. It’s like shaking up a can of Coke and expecting it to eventually settle. That’s not going to happen! All that pressure is inside the can, waiting to explode. If it explodes over a sink and drains (mostly) peacefully, or if it explodes and everyone is covered in sticky Coca Cola, that’s on how much pressure is trapped inside and where it eventually breaks. A truth I’ve learned is that while I can’t control what other people do and how things around me happen, I have a aprt to play and how I process that is my job. It wouldn’t be fair of me to take that out on other people. It’s not fair that because I can’t process things and I don’t want to communicate that I start to feel resentment and irritation. It’s not right. Everyone has a part to play, and I shouldn’t upset. Sometimes, rather than stress myself, I cut my losses and move on. Conflict in a space caused by the direction I want to go in is a sign that I should probably move on. Nothing is permanent anyways. Instead of holding onto pain, regret, all these all-consuming negative emotions, I let them go. (Lie. I’m still working on this.) I’m not saying this from a place of someone who has healed and is actively living this, I’m saying this as someone currently in this process. I hope that you too can start living this. Starting is better than doing nothing at all, and progress is ideal. Taking one step is better than none. Stagnation is better than going backwards. This approach doesn’t have to just apply to processing emotions, but everywhere in life. It’s possible! It’s doable. We as humans have been given free will, so let’s take advantage of it! Use that misery as motivation!
I act like I have readers that are waiting on me to post, to say something, wondering where I’ve been… but I don’t. Hopefully one day I will! If you’re new here, hello! Thank you for reading this!
This feels like nothing and I’m sorry about that. Hope I can do more!
